The SPANK Rally…. I’d heard about it from time to time, had heard that it was a good rally and that George Zelenz was a crafty rallymaster with some pretty good tricks up his sleeve. I wanted another multi-day rally experience before the IBR, so I signed up for the SPANK.

Initially, all I knew was that the rally was to start in Omaha and end in Tulsa (in conjunction with the National Iron Butt Meeting), but had no idea where we were going to go in the interim.

Then the mind games began: buy an inexpensive video camera – so, we’re gonna shoot some video – okay. Then we get some video of a Calder mobile – okay, that doesn’t relate to anything at this point. Then we get another video of some folks doing the Hokey-Pokey – still no clue.

So, I set out for Omaha on Tuesday, 5 August with absolutely no idea of where we were going to go or what we were going to do. Got to the hotel about 1630 to see most of the riders had arrived. Did some tire kicking and looking at the bikes and started to wonder if I had gotten myself in over my head. There are some big dogs here: Matt Watkins, Tom & Rosie Sperry, Mark Crane and Terry Neale to name a few.

Wednesday we did an odometer check and came back to the hotel. George had us bring our cameras and laptops into the meeting room where he proceeded to mark our storage media – one for still shots (which he would keep) and one for video, which we would have returned. He then sent us an e-mail with all of the 83 bonus locations in .gpx format. Using GPSU you could then convert the .gpx files into anything you wanted – Streets & Trips, Street Atlas, Mapsource, etc. No more hours and hours of plotting bonus locations, hoping you got them at least close to where he wanted you to go. But, George didn’t put the point values on the locations, so although you knew where the locations were, you had no idea which was important and which was not. The meeting adjourned and we had some 2 hours to contemplate these locations before dinner and the final riders meeting.

After an excellent buffet, George called the meeting to order and handed out the bonus instructions. The other shoe had dropped. There were five sets of colored sheets, each with a different numbered series of bonus instructions. The White set were individual bonus locations ranging from Sundial Bridge in Redding CA to Watermelon launching in Sheridan, WY to taking a video of you getting your hair shampooed at any hair salon to bringing a helium filled balloon to the finish line. Two locations on this sheet stuck out in my mind: Lolo Pass in ID and Bear Tooth Highway in MT. I have wanted to ride both of these roads for a long time and this looked like the time to do it.

The Blue sheet had combinations – 8 of them to be exact. BUT, one was on one side of the country, the other was on the other side. Suspension bridges, for example had you getting a bonus photo of the Sundial Bridge in Redding, CA; the second part of the bonus combo was Penobscot Narrows Bridge in Prospect, ME, all the way across the country.

The Orange bonus pack had more of the same: St. Ignace, MI and Port Isabel, TX; Grand Central Station in NYC and Daytona Beach, FL, etc.

The Pink set had still more combinations: Bear Tooth Pass and Glacier National Park; Bear Tooth Pass and Deals Gap; Calatrava Art Museum in Milwaukee and Sundial Bridge in Redding CA,( both designed by Santiago Calatrava); hamburgers from the Nugget Diner in Reno (Awful Awful burger) and another from Ann’s Snack Shack (Ghetto Burger)in Atlanta, GA.

Finally, the Yellow sheets had special timed events at various locations around the country: meet Jim Frens at the Agawam Diner in Rowley, MA between 1200-1300 on 9 August; Snow’s BBQ in Lexington TX to meet Rick Rohlf between 0800-0900 on 9 Aug. The most popular bonus here was to meet Curt Gran at the Waffle House in Tulsa between 0630-0730 on 14 August. This location was only 5 miles from the finish line. There was also a bonus for a correctly completed fuel log and a bonus for calling in every day.

You also had to file a “route” plan before the start (for points) and somewhere along the way, you needed to fill out a “Reflections” sheet about what you think about when you’re riding (also for points)

To be a finisher in the rally, you had to complete either one Blue combination or two Orange combos. Both Orange combos had you going from NYC to Daytona Beach. In yet another twist, our rally “flags” were little table top tents like you get in a fast food restaurant with our rider number on it.

George also provided a paper map showing all of the different combinations

So, at 2030 we all trudged back to our rooms and contemplated where we wanted to go. After a lot of looking, I chose the Suspension Bridges: Redding CA to Prospect, ME – 3300 miles – as my base route. I then added Reno, NV for a burger and Lolo Pass and Bear Tooth Highway as side trips. I originally considered Glacier National Park, but it was too far off and later eliminated that one. I could also go to the Calatrava Art Museum because I knew exactly where it was and could get the bonus without even getting off the bike. If I had time, I’d go to Chicago for a video, head across the IN Turnpike, go to ME, then down the east coast to Atlanta, Memphis and to the barn in Tulsa. It was an ambitious plan and I knew it, but at the very least I was going to ride Lolo Pass and the Bear Tooth Highway. I was determined to have fun on this ride.

The next morning just before the start, someone asked about the Hokey-Pokey video. George slapped his forehead in amazement – “I forgot to put it in!” As punishment, George had all of us do the Hokey-Pokey together in full gear in the parking lot.

The ride started at 0800 on Thursday and many riders went to the closest bonus, a sundial in a cemetery some 30 miles away in Omaha. Then it was onto the Interstate – across Nebraska (434 miles), across Wyoming (400+miles), across Utah, across Nevada. I finally stopped in Wendover, NV about 0100 and 1100 miles. Surprisingly, I did an SS1K in about 13 hours, which goes to show how elevated the speed limits are in NE and WY.

I got a late start the next morning because I didn’t set the motel alarm correctly and had left the Meanie on the bike. Got to Reno in good time and since I’d never been there before, it was all new to me. For some reason all of the downtown streets were blocked off and I had to do some detours – turns out that there was a classic car convention on the downtown streets (I wonder if George knew about that beforehand???) I finally parked on the 7^th tier of a garage and walked the ½ block to the Nugget. Of course, there is a line at the counter for ordering food, so I waited. Got my order placed and found a seat at the counter. Mark Crane appeared and we sat and talked for a few minutes. The “Awful Awful” (Awful big and Awful good) burger arrived and we took before and after pics of it as well as the counter with our placards. Bonus location documented and we were both out of there. Mark was headed for Vegas and I was going to Redding, CA for the Sundial Bridge. On the map the distance from Reno to Redding doesn’t look that far, but it was 200 miles of non-Interstate riding and took some time. I had wanted to be there before 1500 to take a picture of the sundial for points, but that wasn’t to be. Took my pictures and suited up for the trip up to Idaho. As I made the turn onto Rte 299 going out of Redding, I realized that all the pictures I had taken DIDN’T HAVE THE PLACARD IN THEM!!! I had to go back, retrace my steps, take another set of pictures and finally get out of Redding.

Leaving Redding, I knew I had a long stretch of road ahead of me as it was some 700 miles to Lowell, ID and the start of Lolo Pass. I stopped about 2100 in Lakeview, OR for the night in a nice little Mom and Pop motel which allowed me to park my bike right in front of the door to my room. Got up fairly early the next morning, had a good shower and took off about 0500. The roads were deserted and I wicked it up as fast as I dared, being careful to watch for deer, rabbits and other wildlife. I did manage to tag a bird in the left cowling and it stayed there for most of the rest of the trip. I was getting low on gas and the fuel gauge light was blinking as I pulled into Riley, OR. Fueled up and back on the road. Stopped in Vale, OR for breakfast and headed for Idaho. The ride up Hwy 95 was great fun and I made good time to Kooskia where I turned east onto US12.

The waypoint that George had given us was in Lowell, ID and the instructions were to take a picture of the famous sign: pictogram of a curvy road with another sign below it saying “Next 77 miles.” Well, I looked and looked and looked for that sign and couldn’t find it. I decided to ride the route and see if there was a sign on the other side of the pass, all the while looking over my shoulder at the signs on the other side of the road. I finally got to Lolo without having seen the sign. While I was gassing up I ran into a guy riding a CBR1100 who apparently lived in the area and knew about the sign – he said it was near the Visitor’s Center about 25 miles away. Since this was a pretty big bonus point location, I decided to go back up there to find the damn sign. I stopped at the Visitor’s Center and asked for directions, getting two different answers (neither of which was correct.) Finally my guide left and I’m still without a picture of the sign. A few minutes later, my guide reappeared and said that the sign was just a mile down the road. I drove the mile and saw the sign he had indicated, but it didn’t have the pictogram, just the words “Winding Road” and the 77 miles below it. I DID take a picture of that with placard in hand.

I had spent a lot of time here at Lolo Pass and was getting behind. Bear Tooth Highway was some 500 miles away and I wasn’t going to ride that thing at night. I was also getting tired and there were storm clouds beginning to build on the horizon. I stopped in Butte, MT for the night.

Got up early the next morning and headed for Red Lodge, MT, the eastern end of the Bear Tooth. Had breakfast at Red Lodge, but the receipt didn’t have a time stamp on it, so I hit the ATM for a starting receipt. The bonus instructions said you had to be in Cooke City within 2 hours of your start, so off I went.

Bear Tooth Highway is everything anyone has ever said about it and more. Winding, twisting, switchbacks, steep – everything. The views in all directions are simply magnificent. You feel like you’re on the top of the world looking down. It’s also hard work riding this sucker because you are constantly shifting, turning, accelerating, decelerating and still trying to look at these incredible vistas. I finally got to Cooke City with 15 minutes to spare, got another ATM receipt and got out of town. There were a lot of Harley riders in both Red Lodge and Cooke City, showing off their chrome-plated tractors and sounding off their straight pipes, so I had good reason to leave.

Bear Tooth Highway

The next bonus was at Chief Joseph Highway turnout, a place I had visited before. You had to add up the elevations of all the peaks. Rather than waste time adding them up at the time, I wrote down the elevations and went on, adding them up before I got to the scoring table. (I got the answer wrong because I added the mounts and buttes as well – only needed the peaks.)

After Chief Joseph, I stopped in Cody, WY to rest and consider my next move. I looked at the planned route to Prospect, ME – ugh – 2500 miles, then looked at the shortest distance from Prospect, ME to Tulsa, OK – ugh again – 2900 miles. There was no way I could ride that distance in the remaining time – I’m toast. I decide to get to Sheridan, WY, get a good night’s rest and call George in the morning to tell him that I was dropping out and couldn’t finish the rally. Between Cody and Sheridan are the Bighorn Mountains and I had a great time riding through here, even though there was a little rain, making the trip even slower. The payback however was seeing two bull moose grazing in the field not 200 yards away and a full antlered deer leaping across the road 100 yards in front of me. Got to Sheridan late in the afternoon and found a very nice motel with parking in front of the door again. I called George in the morning and left a message on his voice mail telling him that I was dropping out and would see him in Tulsa. I took a leisurely ride to Gillette, WY where I stopped for gas. I saw that there was a message on my phone from George. I called him back and told him I was dropping out. He said something like “You went to Reno, didn’t you?” to which I replied, “Yes, I did.” George says “Well, then go to Atlanta. It’s the shortest route and you should have plenty of time. Either way call, me back and let me know what you decide.”

So, I pulled out the computer and looked for Atlanta bonus. Hmmm, 1900 miles to Atlanta, then 1000 miles to Tulsa. It’s Monday 1230. I can do that.

I called George back, leaving a message that I was going to Atlanta and took off down the road. The GPS told me that I would arrive in Atlanta at 1330 the next day, but I knew that figure would grow after gas stops and rest periods. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there was something about the Atlanta bonus nagging me. I finally stopped and looked at the bonus instructions – there it is – Atlanta is a TIMED bonus. I had to be there before 1930 Tuesday evening. It looks like it’s gonna be a long ride. Fortunately, WY and SD have 75 mph speed limits, so I set about getting’ it done. Weather was pleasant and not too much wind. Missed a pretty good sized storm cell around Rapid City, picked up a hefty cross wind around Chamberlain, lost an hour time change in mid-SD and ran into a frog-strangler about Sioux Falls. In Council Bluffs, IA I hit a rubberized anchor for one of the pylons in a construction zone which knocked the left hand mirror cover loose. It’s flapping in the breeze, being held on only by the electrical wiring. I pulled off the road, cussing the guys who thought it was so much fun knocking over construction pylons, put the mirror cover back on and got back on the road. Had I known that there was a 2” edge trap going onto the newly paved roadway, I would have been much less casual about getting out of traffic.

I had put on my fleece overshirt and rain gloves at Sioux Falls, thinking that it would cool down as the night continued. At Percival, IA I stopped for gas, a bio break, coffee, etc. 30 miles down the road I realized that I hadn’t tied the fleece jacket down and it was probably lying in the parking lot of the truck stop. Shit – and I liked that jacket, too.

Got gas in Booneville, MO and headed for St. Louis. Since St. Louis was the start, checkpoint and finish of last year’s IBR, I knew there was construction on Hwys 40-61 going through town, so I dropped down to I-44 and went through that way. By this time I’m getting pretty tired and need to stop for a power nap. East St. Louis is NOT the place to pull over and sleep, so I got somewhat east of there, pulled into a deserted Taco Bell parking lot, put Tigress up on her center stand, set the Meanie for 30 minutes and slept on the bike.

Gassed up again in Mt. Vernon, IL and picked up some McDonald’s sausage burritos to eat on the bike. Got through KY and Nashville in good order, but Chattanooga was tough – drivers here don’t know what the right lane is supposed to be used for and most of the drivers are in the left lane. I did a lot of passing on the right, scowling at the drivers as I passed them, but it was pretty useless – they still stayed in the left lane.

By this time with the gas stops and the rest period, my ETA at Atlanta has slipped from 1330 to 1530 – still plenty of time, but I can’t be wasting it. Just outside of Atlanta – BAM- road construction slows traffic to a crawl. Not much I can do except tough it out and watch the ETA stretch further and further out. One sign in the construction area says 55 mph “Strictly Enforced” and at the next overpass there are no less than 15 troopers ready to pull speeders aside. Yes, they meant business. I’m some 75 miles from my destination and have only about 100 miles of fuel left, so I stop for gas and get back into the fray. It is now starting to rain and it’s the beginning of rush hour. Picture this: rush hour traffic in Atlanta (5 lanes in each direction), it’s raining and I’m blindly following the GPS to a place I’ve never been before. FINALLY, I get off I-75 and onto I-20 where there is a little less traffic and congestion. I arrive at Ann’s Snack Shack about 1730 – 1900 miles and 28 hours after I’d left Gillette, WY.

Ann’s Snack Shack is a greasy spoon diner run by a very opinionated 60+ year old black lady named Ms. Ann. I had to order a Ghetto Burger, take a picture of it before I bit into it, another picture of it after I had eaten some, then another picture of the patrons with one of them holding my placard. The Ghetto Burger is just huge – probably a pound of hamburger topped with onions and bacon – a real artery clogger. It takes at least an hour to get this monstrosity in front of me, I take my pics, eat a bite or two, have Ms. Ann wrap the rest up for me to take and I’m outta there.

So now, it’s Tuesday evening and I have one more day for bonus hunting. I’m obviously exhausted, so I drive about 30 miles, find a Quality Inn and call it a day. Next bonus is going to be Deal’s Gap, the southern terminus of the “Tail of the Dragon.” The “Tail of the Dragon” is billed as 312 turns in 11 miles and is well known in motorcycling circles as a great ride. From the motel it is 175 miles away, so I’m up early to get there ASAP. Getting to Deal’s Gap is not easy and there are a lot of twisting roads, taking my ETA further and further out. All the while I’m debating whether to ride the Dragon or not. It will take some time, but it probably is the fastest way to get back on the Interstate west of Knoxville. I finally decide I’m going to ride the Dragon, get to Deal’s Gap, take my pictures and head on to the Dragon.

I certainly didn’t set any records for doing the Dragon, but it was fun. This road has gotten a lot of publicity lately because of squids and some fatalities, so it is heavily patrolled now. By the time I got done, I’ve worked up a sweat and my thighs are sore from hugging the gas tank. Next stop: Dyer’s Burgers in Memphis, TN where they supposedly have been using the same grease to deep fry hamburgers for over 100 years (they filter it every day if that’s any consolation) It’s about 500 miles to Memphis – all Interstate, so I’m making pretty good time. I decided to stop just outside of Nashville for gas and my video of getting a shampoo. I found a Sport Clips hair salon with two women there with nothing to do. They agree to what has to happen and I get a shampoo and a light trim. I gave them $20 for their efforts and they appreciated that.

I arrived at Dyer’s about 2200 only to find that it’s “Bike Night” on Beale Street – 800-900-1000 bikes, street cordoned off, etc. I’m thinking “There’s no way I’m leaving Tigress fully loaded in that mess.” So I talked to the security guard at the end of the street and asked if I could leave my bike there and walk to Dyer’s. He agrees, I walk thru the crowds into Dyer’s, get my photo and am gone.

Up to this point, I’ve been thinking that it’s only 200 miles across AR to the OK border, then a few miles to Tulsa from there. WRONG, mush-for-brains – it’s 400 miles and you have some 8 hours to do it. Damn – another all-nighter. So, point the bike west and git ‘r done. Unfortunately, AR has a zero tolerance speed limit and I rarely get over 70 mph the entire evening. What a blessing to see OK and a higher speed limit.

The final bonus location is at a Waffle House about 5 miles from the finish line where I’m to meet Curt Gran between 0630 and 0730. He needs to sign my receipt for the bonus to count. I arrived at the Waffle House about 0610 to find about 20 riders already arrived and Curt holding court and taking pictures. Everyone seems to be happy that the ride is over and looking forward to the finish. The only thing left to take care of is the balloon. You need to bring a helium filled latex balloon to the finish line. Fortunately, one of the other riders had purchased a helium tank and balloons, so everyone got their balloons.

I got to the finish line about 10 minutes before it opened and just let the joy of finishing the rally wash over me. I had run a hard rally, had had some tremendous highs and lows going across the country. I’d done a quick sum of all the bonuses I had collected – some 242,000 points - and thought I had done well enough to be in the middle of the pack. I had Curt pre-score my bonuses and he made a few corrections, but everything looked pretty good.

The scoring process was interesting. You first sat down with Dave McQueeny who downloaded all of your photos and video onto the server. He reviewed them with you and asked if everything was good. He then loaded the photos and video onto a thumb drive which went to the actual scorer, which in my case was Jim Owens. You then sat down with the scorer and went over everything – summary sheet, fuel log, bonuses you were claiming, balloon, etc. I lost points on the Chief Joseph Highway bonus because I added all the elevations instead of just the peaks. I lost one call-in bonus for being late and that was about it – good job at the scoring table.

Rally Route

Final result – 10^th place in a field of big dogs – not bad.

The biggest payoff, though, was riding some of the very best motorcycle roads in the country – Lolo Pass, Bear Tooth Highway, the Bighorn Mountains and the Tail of the Dragon – all in one trip, all in one rally.

George puts on a helluva rally and my hat is off to him for some very innovative thinking, planning and executing. I had a great time and would run another of his rallies in a heartbeat. I also have to thank him for keeping me in the rally with some sage advice when I was in WY. Without that piece of advice, I would have been DNF for certain. Thanks again, George.